Resistance

Love is all about resistance. Anything can go too far, if you think about it too long, but as far as I can tell, love is the most dangerous. Love will not just drag you down, but it will drag someone else and then you’ll both come crawling out, torn, disgusted with what you’ve seen of human nature, and full of bitterness and hatred. That’s if you’re lucky. If you’re not, well, we know what happens to those who love too strongly or too hard. They disappear sometimes.

I fell in love and it’s all I can do to wake up each morning and remember to brush my teeth. Cook breakfast. And what impels me forward through the slush if not love? For every moment is either spent recalling the last moment we had together, or the next time we might meet. Now the months of waiting are over and in front of me are months and months of sleeping in the same bed, eating the same meals, and catching one another’s eyes as our days fold down in front of us.

I’m not sure I know how to do this anymore. How to not sit for hours in the sunlit chair waiting for him to pass by. How to not beg him, silently or with my lips, to not leave, not yet. How to not clench my teeth when I come. Don’t look at me scornfully or roll your eyes and dismiss a single thing I’ve said. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’ve never been in love. Never even felt the hopeful  stirrings of fantasy and unmet expectations. In short, you aren’t human, at least, not yet.

But wait! It will be okay. Take a deep breath, distract myself, write the damn paper and look up at the stars in the cold air. Keep the distance and resist every impulse to throw myself at his feet or in front of the next train. Things will be okay.

I don’t want to disappear.

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About mayafishsticks

Since I turned 20, it's all gone downhill.
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2 Responses to Resistance

  1. lolikitsune says:

    Jesus :\
    What’d you have to go and get all intense for?

  2. Jane says:

    What happens when it is gone? When the force that pushes you through the snow in the mornings and evenings fades away, and all you want to do is sit down in the muddy drifts and feel the moisture soak through your jeans, freezing you slowly? What happens when you have no one left to look for, to wish for, to wait and come and laugh for? What do you do when there is nothing left to force you through the day but the strength of your own guts and the weary determination to keep going despite the holes you didn’t know could stretch so wide?

    Before love was there, you didn’t know what it felt like to be alone, really alone. Before he was there, you didn’t know what it took to face the days single, to have to rely on your own tenuous grip on self confidence. Before he wormed his way into your heart, into your head, into your life, you didn’t have holes there, even if things were sometimes tough, sometimes lonely. Because the holes left behind hurt so much more than just wishing.

    But the crazy thing about love… is that despite all of that, it is still worth it.

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